You Don't Have to Fix It

When someone tells us they're struggling, sometimes our mouth reacts before our heart and mind can craft a more sensitive, sensible response. We want to solve their problem and offer a solution rather than taking a moment to listen and be present.

Why We Reach for the Wrench

I mean, I get that. We live in a fast-paced society where it's easier to simply like someone's heartfelt post on social media, or reply to a text when a phone conversation might be more helpful.

We like to fix people and their problems the way we tighten a leaky kitchen faucet, spray WD-40 on a squeaky door, or pour Drano down a clogged bathroom sink.

But people aren't problems to fix. They are humans to be present for. And when we are truly present, that's when healing and resolution can suddenly occur.

What I Learned in the Counseling Room

I made this mistake early in my counseling career. A client was sharing a distressful experience they were going through. I became uncomfortable and cut them off. It was clear they didn't need my counsel or advice in that moment. They needed to finish what they were sharing. They needed to be heard. They needed a safe space to be raw, authentic, and unashamed.

I backed up, apologized, and asked them to continue. They did, and the session ended up quite productive. The issue wasn't completely fixed. But the client felt heard, and an atmosphere was set so that they could journey on and discover the resolution they were so desperately searching for.

You see, I missed it. My discomfort with what they were sharing became more important than the human being sitting across from me, who came to me feeling very vulnerable and just needed to set their burden down in a safe place.

I centered my own feelings over theirs.

Be a Witness, Not a Fixer

Here is what I've learned since. Healing takes place in the context of a safe relationship. Most people in pain don't need an answer. They just need a witness.

You can say, "Thank you for sharing that with me."

You can say, "That sounds heavy. I'm glad you're not carrying it alone."

You can say nothing at all and stay present.

When Silence Feels Hard

But that takes practice, because most of us are not comfortable with silence. We feel the need to plow ahead when true connection and healing can occur in moments of intentional, silent presence.

You see, the fixing is often for us. It calms our own discomfort at watching someone we love hurt. But the staying is for them. And that's how things "get fixed."

Three Questions to Ask Before You Speak

So the next time someone lets you in, resist the urge to cut them off. Listen. Pause. Think. Then check in and ask:

• "Do you have more to share, or may I speak?"

• "Do you want advice, or do you just want company right now?"

• "Do you want to keep sharing, or would you rather table this and return to it when it feels better for you?"

Then give them what they ask for.

What People Really Want

Your presence is no small thing. Sometimes it is the whole thing, and exactly what your friend or loved one needs.

In the musical Hamilton, Aaron Burr famously advises young Alexander Hamilton to talk less and smile more. He had a point, at least about the talking. More often than not, people don't want your advice. They want connection, and maybe a little input to help them find their way forward.

People want your friendship, your presence, and some peace. And that really takes the pressure off.

Because you don't have to fix it. That's very good news indeed.